Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize