I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
