I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize