I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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