dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
third nipple confirmed
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
