If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
