if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
