Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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