sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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