I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
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Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
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Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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