I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
