I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
