his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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