so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
