I just cut my nipple shaving
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
