HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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