the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm at about main and main street
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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