i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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