apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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