Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
its not stalking. its research.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
