my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
