Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
