I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
