it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
