thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
