We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you traded sex for a burrito?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You are the jesus of drinking
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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