i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
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I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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