Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
