Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
where are you?
Hypothermia
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
