I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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