Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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