she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
