My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
