She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
