I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize