you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
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That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
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I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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