On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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