He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
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Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
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Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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