woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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