Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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