I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
