I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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