Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
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your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
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Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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