you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
