Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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