When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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