shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
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I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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