K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My vagina just recognized that song.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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