I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
