if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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