Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
