One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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