Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
