he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Say something about gay babies.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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