i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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