so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
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She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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